Black and white

Black and White

Black and white.

Two colors that never described me,

Life was consumed by various shades of gray.

I was enveloped in the confusion of gray.

I longed for black and white.

I yearned for clarity, content, and definition.

Which I thought only came in the form of two colors.

The fork in the road turned into a whisk,

I struggled to make my way down each route

Only to find dead ends or u-turns in the form of melancholic numbness. 

My world spun in hundreds of different directions,

I fell into a mangled chaotic mess,

My hopeless living had nothing to look to.

I was heartbroken, alone, and purposeless.

I knew giving up was my only option,

I needed to surrender to the war, so the chaos could cease.

Being nothing was closer to having peace than what my future seemed.

In a last desperate attempt at life I feebly outstretched my arm.

Before it was even fully extended He grasped onto my hand with all His might

And lifted me to the surface.

He began to gently dry my tears and clean my wounds,

I was blinded by the war, all I saw was gray.

He kissed my closed eyes

And I lifted them towards His face.

He took my heart and held me, healing every broken piece in my soul.

I looked to Him, a renewed being, and wept for my undeserved salvation.

“Why?” I meekly asked.

He smiled and simply stated “because you’re mine”

I touched His nail scarred hands and kissed them,

Whatever little sign of thanksgiving I could give.

I was ready to see the world in a new light,

I was ready to live again.

Black and white were never colors used to describe me.

But the world is so much more than gray.

It’s yellow, green, red, blue, pink.

Every hue miraculously made by the Healer.

Yes, there is still gray

 I can’t understand everything.

But now I know I don’t have to.

I trust that behind every shade of gray,

there’s a new color waiting to be seen.

What i've learned

Well..that went fast!

I can't believe my freshman year is over! Saying goodbye to my girls and my beloved room was so bittersweet. Even though we'll all still be together next year it was sort of the end of an era..we're not freshmen anymore, kathy and i are done sharing a room, rachel won't be living with us, and we're all growing up a little more now.
As a kind of final goodbye to freshman year, i'm making a list of what I've learned this year.

1) Ramen stops tasting as good after your 45th bowl.
2) Bubble tea makes everything better.
3) Studying until the bags under your eyes reach your nose isn't the key to straight A's.
4) It's not that hard to stay in touch with the people that really matter.
5) Boys are still stupid.
6) Home is wherever you find comfort and peace.
7) Knowing how to listen and care are two of the best qualities to possess.
8) Every relationship has to be a two way street, if it's not, it's not real. 9)There is a difference between morals and character.
10) selfish isn't a mindset, it's how you live your life.
11) We were put on this earth to love and be loved.
12) Everyone has a story worth hearing
13) I'll NEVER know what i'm doing :P
14) Being a Christian isn't about trying to be someone you aren't, it's about becoming who you already are.
15) The greatest gift someone can give is their trust.
16) HE will always take me back, no matter how far i've fallen.
17) Time may not heal all wounds, but it makes them bearable.
18) Childhood is one of the hardest things to say goodbye to.
19) Forgiveness is vital. Grudges aren't worth it.
20) When you find a kindred spirit..don't let go of it. 
21) Always keep your heart connected with your actions. It keeps us human.






well that's definitely not all i learned, but it's the bulk of the important stuff at least :)

Tomorrow

The clock ticks

The minutes pass, the hours change.

The dust that's been collected over my mangled heart

Is preparing to be discombobulated 
Yet again.

My nerves have been severed so harshly

That I’ve forgotten how to feel

How will we ever move on without you?

The wounds are still fresh

And now an axe may be coming in to finish us.

Maybe this would help me feel again.

But I’d die in the process.

If I lose you too

I don’t know where I’ll go.

I don’t know where my mind will take me.

I need you.

We need you.

He needs you.

Please

Hold on

Because if you don’t

It’s likely we won’t.

Please

They say God has a puzzle

And this is just one piece.

What if this piece is the defining the outcome?

What if you go and that piece leaves with you?

Our puzzle will never be complete.

Where will he go?

What will he do without you?

You’re all he has left.

You’re what he knows,

He is here with you here.

Life would go on,

But he’d stay still with a numbed heart.

The clocks have ticked,

Minutes have turned into days, months and years.

You have defined our childhoods, our growing years until now.

Tomorrow will define

The direction our moments will go

The doctors say 50/50

Prepare for the worst

I can’t. I never could.

I’ll hold onto hope.

Cause right now,

Hope’s all we got.

And if we’ve learned to hope,

Maybe that will get you past tomorrow.

And my nerves can begin to reconnect again.

Toy Story 3 :'(

Tonight, my dear friend Resa and I watched Toy Story 3. We knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into, last time we watched (back in october) the sobbing lasted for 2 hours after the movie ended. We both needed a good cry, and boy did we get it.

Toy Story 3 was made for us. Legit. It came out the summer we graduated, and the year we all began to move on past childhood for good. We graduated along with one of the best Disney movies.

As I watched grown up Andy driving away from what defined his childhood, I was overcome with sadness. As I sat there crying into chipotle napkins I couldn't help but remembering packing up my room, saying goodbye to all of my friends and my kittens and driving away, towards this ominous future I knew nothing about.


I got to college thinking I had a pretty good head on my shoulders and being sure of what I wanted to get out of the experience. I thought I was grown up enough to know what my future held. Not only was I wrong about all three of those things, each aspect was QUITE the opposite. 


I had no idea what I was doing, I had no clue what I really, truly wanted to do with my life, and now all I want back is my childhood.


We all grew up too fast. We were thrown into a society where children are expected to know the world by age 13. I got caught up in the "big sister pretending she's mom role", then the "running away from my problems role", and finally the "if i pretend like i know what I'm doing, maybe i'll somehow find out."


Through this destructive pattern I lost the basis of who i was. I was torn down by the world, my family problems, and my own "wanting to be a grown up". I am only now discovering the person I really am. I am only now beginning to grow up. This pseudo young woman I had been since I was 12 was an act that I eventually taught myself to believe.

It's funny. Now that I'm actually growing up, I miss my childhood more than ever. I miss simplicity, I miss unconditional joy, I miss the little things. even if I only had it for a few years, I wish I could have it back. 


I know wishing will get me no where fast, but I do know what I can do today. I can try to gain back aspects of my childhood, and live for the moments I have left. We will continue to get older, whether we want to or not. We will have to make grown up decisions day after day, but maybe we don't have to loose our childhood. We can still be silly and fun loving, but just in a more adult way..or something like that. Who knows? Maybe neverland exists somewhere, or in some people.


Oh jeez it's 3:30...sorry for the rambling folks, just had to get the thoughts off my chest, goodnight!

Our story

Every person is more than what is on the surface. What you see is hardly ever what you get. I've gotten to know a lot of people this year, and my first impressions of them verses my relationship now with them is like night and day. I've learned so many life stories over this year and am more than blessed to have friendships with the writers. I've heard heart breaking chapters right along with the most beautiful portions of their stories.

When I hear others' stories, it gives a new perspective on my own. I'm the only one who's been through hard times, we've all had our share of pain and heartache. When we take the time to listen to others, we aren't only being a compassionate ear, but are having our voice heard as well. Our collective voice.

Humanity is essentially about unity. How can we be a united people when we're stuck in our own lives. this world has so much more to offer than just what we know. It's not about me, it's not about you. it's about us. You, me, the guy that never leaves starbucks, and the old cat lady across the street. Everyone has a background, everyone has a story. Focusing on others, having other people at our "table" makes us understand our core. 

We were meant to communicate, listen, understand, and love each other. When we get caught up in the "here and now" of our lives, we forget what's truly important. We weren't created to be self centered but love centered. Let us not dwell on our lives, but OUR lives.You aren't alone, friends are everywhere, all we have to do is trust our brothers and sisters. Compassion and listening ears bring us together as a whole. We are all connected, we just have to find our paths to each other. 

I want to challenge you (yes, you 4 people who read this :P) to ask someone about their story. A friend you've never really known, an acquaintance, or that person Delta assigned you sit by for a 3 hour flight.You never know what you'll find out.

I'M GOING HOME!!!!

I'm SUPA excited for today! In an hour I'll be going to the airport and LEAVING ON A JET PLANE DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK AGAIN!!! (actually, in like 10 days)
I'm sooo happy to go home, snuggle with my kitten, be in my house, and see my friends! I'm planning on watching wishbone and arthur tonight in my snuggie with Oreo! ahhh i can't waitt!!

All that being said though, I have been praying for the past few weeks for everything to go well with my fam. I'm really nervous for and being back in the chaos for a week. I need to keep my head on my shoulders, and stay clam in all situations. I'm praying that He will help me have the will power get through the tough times this week will bring, and that I will have the strength to stay away from bickering with my family. 

I know, all in all, that this week will be great!! I have my books and ipod all ready (I'll be rocking out to friendly fries the whole time), and now just to pack a few more things! 

Praying that everyone at CSP has a safe and WONDERFUL break! Talk to you all sooon :)

Planning

  I'm getting to that time in college where we actually have to figure out what we're going to do with our lives. Here I am, always having been confident in wanting to be an elementary teacher, now questioning everything I once was sure of. 

  i'm only 19 years old. My career is going to last longer than i've even been alive! how am i supposed to know what my whole life is going to be about? 

  I was talking with one of my best friends today, and he mentioned "life shouldn't involve planning, just living" and I totally agree. I'm sitting here, thinking about what i should major in, what kind of career I want and where I can live with that career choice. Plan plan plan. How can i get all i can out of life if I'm planning each part of it now? 

 Spontaneity  is one quality that I've learned to grasp this year, taking chances, experiencing new things, and living in the moment gives life vibrancy. As i've learned so much about just letting go, I'm now being reeled in with reality.

My life, my grown up life is starting in a few short years. What will I do? Who will I be? I wish I could stay in this carefree phase of vibrant spontaneity in every aspect of my life, but I can't. It's time to actually make some decisions toward my future.

I guess it's all about balance, although I want to do everything under the sun with my life, I need to decide what my real life goals are,  what I can do with what i've been given, and where He wants me to go with my life. Life can still be spontaneous, I can still dye my hair whenever I please, go on adventures anywhere and everywhere, and live. As long as i realize that's not what life is all about.


 I know I can't make the whole world a better place, but I want to make a difference in my corner of society. When people ask me what i want to do, i can't explain it any better than that. Now it's just figuring out how, how can i do this and how can college to help me obtain that goal. 


Woah, writing all of that actually helped a lot. Holy crap, I feel like i know how to think about all of this. YAY! 
Sorry If none of this made sense, my brainwaves have been going in all directions about this all day. But i think i finally figured out how to put the puzzle together.
Now it's just a matter of finding where the pieces go!


Goodnight :)

friends, singing men, and babies galore!

This weekend has definitely been one to remember!  Our neighbor, megan's birthday was on Friday, and in traditional 2S style, we all ventured to noodles and company and then partied it up with "mean girls" afterwards. That night I again realized how lucky i am to have the friends I do here, we always have SO much fun together, no matter where we go or what we do. 

 On Saturday I went with my aunt, uncle and step grandma to a barbershop choral concert, SO AWESOME...great music, 3 men's college choirs, it was easy on the ears AND eyes :P

And hands down the most amazing part of this weekend was *drumroll*

 meeting my step cousin's baby! Benjamin Leo Marso, WHAT a treasure that little boy is.

11 days old, beautiful, and tiny as can be. I've never seen a baby so young, and I held him for as long as I could loving every second of it. 

Seeing my cousin and her husband so happy and proud of what they created brought joy to everyone in the house.

now THAT is the best thing in the world. New life. The wonder you get looking and holding this new person is indescribable. You can't see it in movies, or read it in books. But that kind of wonder is more real than anything. Just think, it's the basis of humanity, new life can't be commercialized, revamped or recreated . It's simple and yet so complex. It's love at its core. 

okay..i'm done ranting about babies now.

That's all for tonight, now off to rock out to ingrid michaelson and study till the sun rises..

Ingrid Michaelson- Breakable

Hazelton

Today was busy busy busy, and I felt totally back in my element, it's been months since I've had plans for a straight day, and I gotta say I'm loving having actual things to do with my time again! And it's always nice to have room 235 to go home to go to after a long day. 

So far it has been a very chill evening with my roomie and some frandss..

I've been sitting here laughing about today's events ("you know who else looks good in green? my cat" :P), stumbling upon, talking with kathy, and just thinking. 

I've been SO blessed. I've made many great friends here, and am still super close with friends back home. I've learned so much about the world around me, and am excited to be a part of it, I'm closer than ever with God and... I'm just content with life.

Life is full of wonderful things, sometimes we just have to look more closely to find them. There are days when all I want to do is think about what's going wrong with my life, but that's not what it's about. The good moments, the precious times we have make everything worth it. At times life can be a HUGE bitch, but when we realize what we do have (friends, family, ben and jerry), maybe it'll help us get through those days.

hmm..I guess that's all for tonight! I'll leave with a new song that i've had on repeat all night, i'm pretty much in love with it!

Justin Vernon- Hazelton

Judgement

For the past few months I've been going to a new church here, and literally, my life has been changed by it.
The motto  "No judging, no politics, just Jesus" is so refreshing in itself that I couldn't not try it out. I've never learned more in 6 weeks of church in my life.

I've never liked giving off the image that i'm one of those crazy jesus freaks who are all about talking the talk, judging everyone else around them for making mistakes, and then making those same ones, and pulling the "I'm saved by jesus so it's all good.." card.
Those kind of christians made me wanna go bury my face in a hole. 

I legit hated those kinds of people. Whenever I would go to my churches youth group all I could see was a bunch of hypocritical "christians". I would go and complain to my friends about how fake everyone there was, tearing their character apart because I was convinced that their faith was make believe. Then I would go swear up a storm, and gossip about whoever came to mind.


Through trying to stay away from being a hypocrite I became one. The worst kind of all,the hypocrite who judges everyone else for being a hypocrite...

I've learned so much about true christianity at my new church. I've learned that
God didn't send his son to judge, but to save.
Being a christian isn't about trying to be perfect, it's about knowing we're imperfect and accepting His grace and mercy.

Galations 2:21 says "...For if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing." 


Sinning is the only way we can ever be saved. Why judge others for making mistakes, when we're everything but perfect? 
We can never measure up. But He saved us from the law. Jesus is the liberating king of all, He freed us from the judgment, and anchors our hearts with compassion and unconditional grace and love.

This world is hopeless. We are hopeless people, just look around. All we do is fight, cry, gossip and save face. We judge everyone around us and make the same mistakes.

 If He is unconditionally loving toward us, why not at least give others some slack? Lord knows how much slack i've been given over the years. Jesus forgives no matter what, he loves no matter what, he transforms every ready heart. Judging gets us no where, but love- His love- gets us everywhere, from person to person and all the way to heaven.


I'm done judging.




 

Goodnight moon

Well, here's to the end of yet another snow storm in St Paul! Over the last few days, it's snowed at least a foot and I have yet to step in that frigid white fluff, and will do all I can to stay out of it!

And with snow days, ponder time comes as well, and here I am, almost 2 AM and cannot stop my mind from wandering.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my goals, and what I want out of this life I've been given. We all have our mission in life, and although I have yet to find mine, i have goals. Here's a few of mine,
1) Be happy
2) Travel the whole wide world.
3) Help people wherever I am.
4) Learn to truly forgive.
5) Eat every kind of ethnic cuisine
6) Save a tank of lobsters
7) Move to NYC
8) Join the Peace Corps
9) Live for today, and let nothing get in the way of it
10) Have His grace and love be shown through me
11) Unlearn the words "me" and "I"

I'm still young, and have time to find my "purpose". My mission doesn't have to be a one sentenced, perfectly phrased statement, maybe it can just be a list. Or at least come from one. Through my goals now, maybe I'll find purpose. 

..oh great, now that dumb song from avenue Q is running through my head!

Anyway, It's now 2:30 and my mind is ready for a rest. More on purpose laterzz
:)