Tomorrow

The clock ticks

The minutes pass, the hours change.

The dust that's been collected over my mangled heart

Is preparing to be discombobulated 
Yet again.

My nerves have been severed so harshly

That I’ve forgotten how to feel

How will we ever move on without you?

The wounds are still fresh

And now an axe may be coming in to finish us.

Maybe this would help me feel again.

But I’d die in the process.

If I lose you too

I don’t know where I’ll go.

I don’t know where my mind will take me.

I need you.

We need you.

He needs you.

Please

Hold on

Because if you don’t

It’s likely we won’t.

Please

They say God has a puzzle

And this is just one piece.

What if this piece is the defining the outcome?

What if you go and that piece leaves with you?

Our puzzle will never be complete.

Where will he go?

What will he do without you?

You’re all he has left.

You’re what he knows,

He is here with you here.

Life would go on,

But he’d stay still with a numbed heart.

The clocks have ticked,

Minutes have turned into days, months and years.

You have defined our childhoods, our growing years until now.

Tomorrow will define

The direction our moments will go

The doctors say 50/50

Prepare for the worst

I can’t. I never could.

I’ll hold onto hope.

Cause right now,

Hope’s all we got.

And if we’ve learned to hope,

Maybe that will get you past tomorrow.

And my nerves can begin to reconnect again.

Toy Story 3 :'(

Tonight, my dear friend Resa and I watched Toy Story 3. We knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into, last time we watched (back in october) the sobbing lasted for 2 hours after the movie ended. We both needed a good cry, and boy did we get it.

Toy Story 3 was made for us. Legit. It came out the summer we graduated, and the year we all began to move on past childhood for good. We graduated along with one of the best Disney movies.

As I watched grown up Andy driving away from what defined his childhood, I was overcome with sadness. As I sat there crying into chipotle napkins I couldn't help but remembering packing up my room, saying goodbye to all of my friends and my kittens and driving away, towards this ominous future I knew nothing about.


I got to college thinking I had a pretty good head on my shoulders and being sure of what I wanted to get out of the experience. I thought I was grown up enough to know what my future held. Not only was I wrong about all three of those things, each aspect was QUITE the opposite. 


I had no idea what I was doing, I had no clue what I really, truly wanted to do with my life, and now all I want back is my childhood.


We all grew up too fast. We were thrown into a society where children are expected to know the world by age 13. I got caught up in the "big sister pretending she's mom role", then the "running away from my problems role", and finally the "if i pretend like i know what I'm doing, maybe i'll somehow find out."


Through this destructive pattern I lost the basis of who i was. I was torn down by the world, my family problems, and my own "wanting to be a grown up". I am only now discovering the person I really am. I am only now beginning to grow up. This pseudo young woman I had been since I was 12 was an act that I eventually taught myself to believe.

It's funny. Now that I'm actually growing up, I miss my childhood more than ever. I miss simplicity, I miss unconditional joy, I miss the little things. even if I only had it for a few years, I wish I could have it back. 


I know wishing will get me no where fast, but I do know what I can do today. I can try to gain back aspects of my childhood, and live for the moments I have left. We will continue to get older, whether we want to or not. We will have to make grown up decisions day after day, but maybe we don't have to loose our childhood. We can still be silly and fun loving, but just in a more adult way..or something like that. Who knows? Maybe neverland exists somewhere, or in some people.


Oh jeez it's 3:30...sorry for the rambling folks, just had to get the thoughts off my chest, goodnight!

Our story

Every person is more than what is on the surface. What you see is hardly ever what you get. I've gotten to know a lot of people this year, and my first impressions of them verses my relationship now with them is like night and day. I've learned so many life stories over this year and am more than blessed to have friendships with the writers. I've heard heart breaking chapters right along with the most beautiful portions of their stories.

When I hear others' stories, it gives a new perspective on my own. I'm the only one who's been through hard times, we've all had our share of pain and heartache. When we take the time to listen to others, we aren't only being a compassionate ear, but are having our voice heard as well. Our collective voice.

Humanity is essentially about unity. How can we be a united people when we're stuck in our own lives. this world has so much more to offer than just what we know. It's not about me, it's not about you. it's about us. You, me, the guy that never leaves starbucks, and the old cat lady across the street. Everyone has a background, everyone has a story. Focusing on others, having other people at our "table" makes us understand our core. 

We were meant to communicate, listen, understand, and love each other. When we get caught up in the "here and now" of our lives, we forget what's truly important. We weren't created to be self centered but love centered. Let us not dwell on our lives, but OUR lives.You aren't alone, friends are everywhere, all we have to do is trust our brothers and sisters. Compassion and listening ears bring us together as a whole. We are all connected, we just have to find our paths to each other. 

I want to challenge you (yes, you 4 people who read this :P) to ask someone about their story. A friend you've never really known, an acquaintance, or that person Delta assigned you sit by for a 3 hour flight.You never know what you'll find out.

I'M GOING HOME!!!!

I'm SUPA excited for today! In an hour I'll be going to the airport and LEAVING ON A JET PLANE DON'T KNOW WHEN I'LL BE BACK AGAIN!!! (actually, in like 10 days)
I'm sooo happy to go home, snuggle with my kitten, be in my house, and see my friends! I'm planning on watching wishbone and arthur tonight in my snuggie with Oreo! ahhh i can't waitt!!

All that being said though, I have been praying for the past few weeks for everything to go well with my fam. I'm really nervous for and being back in the chaos for a week. I need to keep my head on my shoulders, and stay clam in all situations. I'm praying that He will help me have the will power get through the tough times this week will bring, and that I will have the strength to stay away from bickering with my family. 

I know, all in all, that this week will be great!! I have my books and ipod all ready (I'll be rocking out to friendly fries the whole time), and now just to pack a few more things! 

Praying that everyone at CSP has a safe and WONDERFUL break! Talk to you all sooon :)

Planning

  I'm getting to that time in college where we actually have to figure out what we're going to do with our lives. Here I am, always having been confident in wanting to be an elementary teacher, now questioning everything I once was sure of. 

  i'm only 19 years old. My career is going to last longer than i've even been alive! how am i supposed to know what my whole life is going to be about? 

  I was talking with one of my best friends today, and he mentioned "life shouldn't involve planning, just living" and I totally agree. I'm sitting here, thinking about what i should major in, what kind of career I want and where I can live with that career choice. Plan plan plan. How can i get all i can out of life if I'm planning each part of it now? 

 Spontaneity  is one quality that I've learned to grasp this year, taking chances, experiencing new things, and living in the moment gives life vibrancy. As i've learned so much about just letting go, I'm now being reeled in with reality.

My life, my grown up life is starting in a few short years. What will I do? Who will I be? I wish I could stay in this carefree phase of vibrant spontaneity in every aspect of my life, but I can't. It's time to actually make some decisions toward my future.

I guess it's all about balance, although I want to do everything under the sun with my life, I need to decide what my real life goals are,  what I can do with what i've been given, and where He wants me to go with my life. Life can still be spontaneous, I can still dye my hair whenever I please, go on adventures anywhere and everywhere, and live. As long as i realize that's not what life is all about.


 I know I can't make the whole world a better place, but I want to make a difference in my corner of society. When people ask me what i want to do, i can't explain it any better than that. Now it's just figuring out how, how can i do this and how can college to help me obtain that goal. 


Woah, writing all of that actually helped a lot. Holy crap, I feel like i know how to think about all of this. YAY! 
Sorry If none of this made sense, my brainwaves have been going in all directions about this all day. But i think i finally figured out how to put the puzzle together.
Now it's just a matter of finding where the pieces go!


Goodnight :)